I say I write for it, like it's a regular gig. It's not. Basically every week, for six weeks, they invite submissions for topical jokes from members of the public like me and you. Yes even you Kerry Katona.
As I wannabe sitcom writer/ hot air balloon stuntman, I enter every week, desperately hoping i'll get something on and you know what, last series I did. It was an insanely unfunny joke-
(Prince Philip Impersonator) I see the Greek government is asking the Germans for help with their debt. They want to be careful; the last time a German helped out a penniless Greek, she gave birth to Prince Charles.
Told you. Anyway the eternal battle to get a joke read out to a huge audience of 43 has begun again and every Thursday I'm like this woman-
Applauding myself for the amazing jokes I've written, only to pause mid clap when I realise they're not going to be on.
So alas, do yourself a favour, read these topical jokes and clap like a woman from 1973...
(The JackApps are pretend phone calls people make to the show. The corrections are when the show pretends to apologise for a mistake in a previous show)
The JackApp
- (As The Queen) I thought a Greek bail out was what I had to do when Phillip upset someone...
- I heard that people are reportedly stealing chewing gum to use as currency in Romania?! Nah...that won't stick in court
- (Australian accent) So Dutch researchers think they've created the world's first completely artificial beefcake? Err I think you'll find that Peter Andre's mum got there first.
- I found those recent Ryanair adverts really offensive because to suggest that anyone would want to fly with Ryanair is massively offensive.
- Elton John's playing Blackpool? So not so much Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, more like Hello Vomit Stained Path...
- I want to tune into that new Carlos Tevez programme tonight. One Mancini and His Dog...
- I know Twickenham Studios is closing in June but it'll probably be July once they've done all the adverts and trailers and stuff.
- Ofcom didn't think Clarkson was offensive? They should be taken outside and shot in front of their families. We never get to see the day to day life of an Ofcom official and a family photograph would be nice.
- (Yorkshire accent) I'm glad that old naked rambler has been fined for ruining the West Yorkshire landscape. It's an absolutely appalling, disgusting sight and not one that needs to be further ruined by some naked bloke.
Corrections
- We'd like to apologise to Ryanair for suggesting that their flights to Edinburgh were as popular as haggis. In retrospect we realise that comparison was offal.
- We'd like to apologise to the Duchess of Cornwall, after her visit to Sandown this week, for suggesting that she was the same as any of the horses there. We've since found out that she was in fact the clear favourite that day and won the race by a full furlong.
- We'd like to apologise to the House of Commons for our suggestion that Welfare Bill was actually the alias of a notorious benefits cheat.
- We'd like to apologise to James Murdoch for suggesting he was going to avoid the phone hacking scandal by hiding in outer space. It would appear we misinterpreted the headline that Rupert Murdoch was going to launch Sun on Sunday.
