In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity - Hunter S Thompson

Hello again y'all,

Look at this - two blog updates in two days. I'd feel proud of myself if blogging wasn't the writing equivalent of eating a Big Mac - quick, easy but the minute you've finished it, a slow wave of regret and ketchup gently washes over you.

Five minutes until wave (that makes me sound like a bloke in Brighton, with nothing else to do but watch the sea)

So the piece below is the sassy little number that I used for the last live read-through. I'd like to pretend that it has themes of redemption and soul searching but it doesn't. Its four blokes who try to rob jewellery store. But get stopped by OAPs.

Four minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke in football ground, with nothing else to do but watch the crowd)

The piece came about while I was waiting for my laptop to load up. I was preparing to write a much darker piece but happened to watch Fight back Britain while my laptop was making that weird wheezing noise.

Three minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke studying earthquakes, with nothing else to do but watch a seismograph.....?)

On Fight back Britain (surely the BBC's most antagonistic programme title?)there was a story about a group of criminals who tried to break into a jewellers, only to get taken down by an elderly lady and her shopping bags. Search YouTube for the clip. It's hilarious and easily accessible. Which is why I haven't put the link here.

Two minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a...erm....scientist...with nothing else to do but watch erm...gamma??!)

The same gang then tried another jewellers, a week later. And they were stopped again. But an elderly man. Which made me think. Were they the unluckiest gang ever or the stupidest?

One minute till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke writing a blog about waves, with nothing else to say about them)

And that's that really. Regret and remorse. Did the gang experience these? I know I might. Or will I? Who knows. I'm off for a Big Mac...

Have a Go By Amardeep Singh Sandhu

Don Daniels – Angry
Roger Davidson - Dry
Pete Phillips - Shy
Harry Michaels - Stupid


SCENE 1

DON, ROGER, PETE and HARRY rush into the room, wearing motorcycle helmets. They furiously rip them off

DON
Roger, did I literally just see you swing a sledgehammer at an eighty year old woman?!

ROGER
She started it! Tell him Pete

PETE
Erm...I...erm didn’t see anything Don

HARRY
I thought it went quite well, personally

DON
Sorry Harry, which part went well exactly? The meticulous planning that took three weeks? The bit where we almost broke through the jewellery shop window? Or was it, the fact that four blokes with fat-off sledgehammers got intimated by Molly bloody Sugden and got away with ABSOLUTELY BLOODY NOTHING?!

HARRY
Erm yeah no not the Molly Slocombe bit.

ROGER
Molly Sugden

HARRY
That’s what I said. Molly Slocombe.

ROGER
No, you nonce! Molly Sugden was the actress. Mrs Slocombe was the character she played. Always talked about her pussy.

HARRY
Ha! Pussy is a rude word…

ROGER
The pussy was actually her cat. Hilarious. She’s dead now mind.

HARRY
That was quick. We only saw her twenty minutes ago. Her poor pussy.

PETE
I erm don’t think Don meant...

DON
CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT PUSSIES PLEASE?!

HARRY
Sorry Don

PETE
Yeah sorry Don

ROGER
I was still right. Molly SUGDEN

DON
I don’t care if we were attacked by Pat BLOODY Butcher! We should have come away from that place with bags of cash and all we got was...

He snatches the bag from Pete

DON
Peppa Pig cufflinks?! Oh that’s just wonderful! All thanks to some old dear swinging her Sainsbury’s bags at us.

ROGER
I think they were from Lidl’s actually

DON
Roger, you’re my best mate but I will end you, I swear

HARRY
So that woman’s name was Pat Butcher? I think I know where she lives. We need to get to Albert Square!

DON
RIGHT! I’m going home. It’s Christmas bloody day. Suzanne’s going to give me an earful for being out and leaving her with the kids and what do I have to show for it? Some ridiculous cufflinks, Mr Clever, Mr Quiet and Thicky McThickson!

HARRY
Aww I’ve never been called clever before.

DON
SORT. IT. OUT. It’s Boxing Day tomorrow. We’ll do the Ernest Jones next to KFC.

ROGER
I think it’s a Chicken Cottage actually

DON
WHATEVER! Providing no old timers are out, we should be ok. MAN THE HELL UP YOU THREE!

Don storms out.

ROGER
He’s right you know. I think it is a KFC

HARRY
I thought it went well. I love Peppa Pig.

PETE
Tomorrow will be better

SCENE 2

Roger and Pete rush into the room, wearing motorcycle helmets. They furiously rip them off. Harry runs into the room but isn’t wearing a helmet.

PETE
Yesterday went much better

ROGER
Oh god, oh god, oh god...

HARRY
I thought it went quite well actually.

ROGER
ARE YOU JOKING ME?!

HARRY
Well we made it back...

ROGER
Brilliant and at what point did you think it was a good idea to swing your sledgehammer at that old man?!

HARRY
He was trying to grab my bag...

PETE
He was erm trying to grab his bag...

ROGER
Shut it Shy-man Cowell! No one asked you. All I know was that me and Don were almost in the shop when I turned around. I saw Harry swinging at that old bloke like he was a piñata and he was dodging Harry, like he was a drunk at a party!

HARRY
I do like a drink at parties...

ROGER
What happened to Don?

PETE
Erm so that fella then grabbed erm Harrys helmet...

Harry sniggers
ROGER
DO NOT LAUGH. Go on ’Silent Witness’

PETE
So Don then grabs the old guy and Harry’s helmet came off. That’s when you started shouting at them both. When we heard the sirens, we all jumped on the bike but when I looked round Don was on the pavement being straddled by the old guy

Harry sniggers


ROGER
DO NOT LAUGH! And did he see your face Harry?

HARRY
Nah, he was eighty odd. Blind as a bat. Or Stevie Wonder because bats aren’t technically blind, they use this like radar vision and....

ROGER
He better not have seen you! Right screw Don. Take a couple of days. On New Year’s Day, we’re going for the big one

HARRY
Fort Knox?

ROGER
F Hinds. On the high street. Come on. I want to be home for Wallace and Gromit.

They start packing things away

PETE
You know, that old guy reminded me of that teacher, Mr Smith.

ROGER
He looked nothing like Mr Smith. Trust me, I never forget a face.

SCENE 3

Pete and Harry mooch into the room

PETE
Who’d have thought it ay? Mr Smith. Lucky he didn’t recognise you.

HARRY
Poor Roger though. I reckon Mr Smith must have recognised his voice.

PETE
Well, tough teats. Serves him right.

HARRY
You’ve grown a pair over Christmas mate

PETE
Not really. I just don’t have those two keeping me down anymore.

HARRY
Yeah...

PETE
I reckon they might catch up with us soon. The police I mean.

HARRY
On borrowed time mate. I can’t believe we lost Don and Roger

PETE
They’re not dead Harry

HARRY
They might as well be. Did you see that look Don’s wife gave me down the pub yesterday? It was subtle but I know what it meant

PETE
Tipping a pint over your head and screaming in your face was pretty subtle. For her anyway.

HARRY
Yeah she was screaming a lot wasn’t she?

PETE
Yeah....

They both stand there in contemplation for a moment, smiling.

PETE
So just the two of us then?

HARRY
Yep. Batman and Robin

PETE
I’m not Robin.

HARRY
Neither am I. Ok how about Batman and erm...Bananaman.

PETE
I could be Bananaman.

HARRY
I hate Bananas.

PETE
Its New Year’s Day tomorrow isn’t it. New start

HARRY
Pete, I don’t care what day it is. I’m not going to eat a bloody banana. They taste like....disappointment.

PETE
No I meant a new start. For us maybe.

HARRY
Pete, you’re a great mate but I’m not that way inclined. I know everyone thinks I’m gay because I love Tom Daley but I’m not. I just think he’s a brilliant swimmer.

PETE
I. MEANT. FROM THIS. How about we just...erm....don’t rob somewhere? Clean slate? Quit while we’re ahead. The world’s our oyster. We’ve been given a second chance, one more shot at life. Let’s get away, find somewhere new. We’ll do it right this time, a fresh start beginning today!

HARRY
Erm...yeah...sounds good. So what are we going to do now then?

They both stand there, staring at each other

PETE
Fancy doing over F Hinds on the high street?

HARRY
Yeah let’s do it. What’s the worst that could happen?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying - Woody Allen

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television” Well said Woody. Well said .

And if my life was a bad television programme, it would probably be series eight of Red Dwarf; full of promise, the occasional spark of genius but ultimately not as funny as everyone thought it would be, mainly because of Kochanski (how was that ever going to work?!) and really bad CGI.

Right, the metaphor may have slipped away from me there. However a man/ legend who has had an immensely interesting life is Mr Allen Stewart Konigsberg (or Heyward Allen, as he called himself later in life. And then Woody).

For the latest writing project, we were tasked with including a real person within one of our scripts, the idea being to try to emulate their particular voice. I chose (partially inspired by a cracking trip to the brilliant Prince Charles Cinema, Leicester Square, to see Annie Hall) to write Woody Allen into one of my scripts and then do as he does, and make the whole thing a little zany, a little postmodern, and hopefully funny.

And then I thought I’d stick myself in it as well. Anyway as always, enjoy!

Heywood Allen’s Voice By Amardeep Singh Sandhu

LAURA LEE – Obnoxious, annoying, self-involved
WOODY ALLEN – Nervous, intimidated, wants to be more confident
AMAR SANDHU – Dry, nonchalant A New York diner.

A New York diner. WOODY and LAURA have just sat down to a cup of coffee together. Laura is jotting things down on pieces of paper throughout their conversation

WOODY

So you want my...erm...my voice then...

LAURA

Yeah not literally (snort) No I need to get a sense of how you sound, the Woody Allen everyone knows and...well SOME people...love. (snort) I prefer your earlier stuff really.

WOODY

And is is for the...erm...biopic

LAURA

Yep for the biopic. ’Woody. The Movie’. Or maybe ’Allen. The Movie’. Or....wait a minute....YES I’VE GOT IT!

Her hands spell out imaginary words only she sees.

LAURA

How about ’Woody Allen. The Movie’? Catchy huh. Honestly I surprise myself sometimes.

WOODY

Well...you know...I I I I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t...you know...errr know what it is you want from me exactly

LAURA

So yeah I need to well LISTEN to you. Could you tell me a story from your past? How about when you were ridiculously shy and couldn’t get onto stage so they...

She bursts out laughing

LAURA

Ha ha ha yeah they had to literally shove you on stage. Tell me that one.

WOODY

Erm well...yeah...I was shy. Well I still am but I was and now I am so...yeah...erm…

Laura freezes and Woody turns to face the audience

WOODY

Why do the girls always think I’m shy? Woody Allen; shy and paranoid. Well I I I I’ll tell you what. I’m not and I’m not paranoid....I think. Oh god do I come across as paranoid? Stop looking at me like that... I blame my mudda really. Never gave me the encouragement I needed. Shame, I did have a thing for this chick but she’s too...well erm....annoying

Laura unfreezes and Woody continues

WOODY

And they were all looking at me and I I I froze and didn’t what to do. Before I knew it...

LAURA

Yeah I get it, they shoved you on stage. Brilliant! So

I noticed you say ’AWL’ instead of ’all’

WOODY

Errr do I?

LAURA

Yeah...AAAWL. AAAWL. Like owl but with an aww

WOODY

I’m not entirely sure I’m comfortable with this conversation...

LAURA

Nah its fine! So tell me about your mother...

WOODY

Well my mudda used to say...

LAURA

That’s it! Mudda. Not mother. Mudda. You say mudda. I’ll write that down. Mud. Da. Brilliant! Ok ok so I’m getting ahead of myself here, I blame the lemonade (snort) ha ha ha but thinking of who we could get to play you...

WOODY

Play me?

LAURA

Yeah yeah. We need someone shy, someone a bit nerdy and really awkward. That’s sort of the Woody Allen everyone expects isn’t it. I’m thinking...Colin Firth! He was really good in...

Laura freezes. Woody turns again to the audience.

WOODY

WH-at?! Colin Firth? The English fella who played that king. Rrrreally? I know he’s good with a stutter but I I I I don’t really stutter when I talk. I also didn’t realise I came across as awkward. I thought I was.....charming. I’m seen as an auteur, a genius amongst his peers aren’t I? N n n not....awkward! Oh geez, I’m...I’m burning up in here, I just need to erm...

He faces Laura as he takes a sip of water. She unfreezes.

LAURA

And did you see him in Pride and Prejudice? The things I would let that man do to me and....

WOODY

Nope can’t go back to this either...

Laura freezes again and Woody turns to the audience

WOODY

Do you know who I blame for all this? My nervousness, the way I come across? The big guy. The man upstairs. My creator. Hold on, I got an idea.

Laura continues to freeze. Woody walks off stage and when he comes back on, he’s pulling Amar onto the stage.

WOODY

I blame you. Ok you’re not my actual creator. Obviously my actual creator is god, if you’re inclined to think that way. In fact it’s actually a very popular belief that the world was created in in in six days and...

AMAR

Be less awkward Woody

WOODY

Yeah...I’m I’m sorry. I just get so nervous around an audience and wait! Stop telling me what to do! You created me. Well this version of me anyway

AMAR

Thank you very much

WOODY

No, not ’thank you very much’. You’ve created a parody

of me. You don’t know what I’m like in real life!

AMAR

Shy, nervous and awkward?

WOODY

Yes...no! No I’m not. I’m erm....surprisingly...erm...

AMAR

Confident?

WOODY

Stop putting words into my mouth! I’m surprisingly...well yes confident

AMAR

Putting words into your mouth is sort of my job

WOODY

Well you don’t know me or my voice. What is this based on may I ask? Public perception of me? Like that can be trusted...

AMAR

Erm two feature length documentaries, various interviews on YouTube and several of your films actually

WOODY

Ok so...yeah ok then so you’ve done your research and erm....yeah ok

AMAR

Thing is Wood...can I call you Wood?

WOODY

I’d prefer Woody. Or Allen. No Woody, I prefer Woody.

AMAR

See Wood, I think I get your voice. Better than this "chick" anyway

He points to Laura. She’s still frozen.

AMAR

But that’s only because I get you Woody. I’m like you. I can be shy and nervous and sarcastic and you what?

WOODY

You blame your mudda for everything too?

AMAR

No Wood I don’t. Lovely woman if you ask me. No see I can change my voice, how I am, anytime I want. Difference is, i’m happy with the way the world sees me.

WOODY

Huh...yeah no I’m not like, sorry.

AMAR

Well....it sucks to be you with your millions of dollars and countless houses and critical acclaim and erm...yeah I’m going to stop now

WOODY

You know what?! I am happy being me! Screw how people see me. I know my own voice and it’s not just "awl" and

"mudda"

Laura unfreezes

LAURA

It’s not?! Well why the hell have I just wasted two hours then producing all this work?!! HONESTLY!

Laura throws her papers in the air and storms off stage

WOODY

Laura! I’m sorry! I can be less...confident and more awkward if you need me to be. Even now I’m worried that me shouting after you will draw unnecessary attention to me and…oh!

AMAR

Oh Woody! Man up! Honestly, haven’t you learned anything from the last five minutes?!

Amar storms off stage. Woody faces the audience

WOODY

You know what? You know what?! My one regret in life is…is…is that I am not someone else!

Woody buries his head in his hands at the table and the lights fade down.