A massive gamble like spending £1000 on a horse race or trying to get an operation on the NHS...

Oh hey internet, how is everyone? Come on, I asked you a question and I would like you to answer out loud. How are you?

Ok if you just spoke to a cold, lifeless monitor, more fool you because I was joking. Now I returned yesterday from my weekend jaunt to the Edinburgh Fringe where there were much better jokes than that one. At some point I will write a proper blog entry on my experiences but i'd like to do it properly rather than rush it but until then, let me say this - amazing.

What the Fringe did do was to inspire me to stop blogging about writing and to actually get on with some. Except blogging about writing is writing. But proper writing.

So i've started. Which is nice. Now i'm wondering if I should start to publish my stuff on here. This does pose something of a risk. What if I stick something on here that i'm really proud of (like a picture of homemade burgers. Or a script. Either) and someone copies it?

This is a massive gamble. Like reading a a Katie Price novel (what if you actually enjoyed it? It wouldn't be worth living surely.)

Saying that, I believe that if you're a good writer you should be always having good ideas. If someone wants to nick one, then just come up with ten more. So blog readers, as a reward for getting this far through this rather dull entry, enjoy a five minute sketch about Star Wars, tramps and fathers disappointed in their kids.

If you like it, leave a comment and let me know (or tweet me @AmardeepSSandhu)

If you don't like it, let me know why.

Click here to read 'Look, i'm your father'

Excited and tired. Tex-cited....

That sounds like i'm in anticipation of a faux-Mexican meal. Anyhoo it's been a long week. Such a long week that I'm using phrases like anyhoo - mucho apologies (?!)

I know what you're thinking - it's only Thursday Amar, how's it been a long week? Well without getting into the intricate details of my employment, you'll just have to trust me that it has.

Which is why I don't feel like blogging tonight. Except I have. But not properly. What I did want to say is that this time next week, I will (theoretically) be enjoying an ice cold  luke warm beer and watching some comedy in the beautiful British city of Edinburgh. As you can imagine I am riduclously excited.

For now, until a more in depth, interesting, blog entry, let this picture sum up how I am feeling at this moment...

(Thank you to the guy who uploaded this picture. Basically the Edinburgh Fringe is the Jenga blocks, i'm the moustached guy and the space between said moustached guy and everyone's favourite wooden brick based game is the time between now and next Thursday. His smile says it all)

What's it all about....Amar?

If you imagined Cilla Black singing the title of this entry, congratulations you win. If you leave a comment and include your address, i'll send you a pen.
If you didn't (and thus don't get the reference to the era defining Michael Caine film, Alife), you lose. Comment on this entry and i'll send you a pen.
My overly generous distribution of stationary is the topic of today's update. Not the pen part but the rewarding for comments made.

I (in my incredibly limited wisdom) decided to 'plan' today's blog, rather than just writing my usual nonsensical stream of consciousness stuff (I call that the Katie Price technique). However when I started to plan, I suddenly thought;

 - Who is this for?
 - Why am I dedicating 1 minute and 37.5 seconds of my day to it?
 - Is there actually anyone out there?!! This dog seems to think not

And he's right. There is no-one out there. Which means if you're reading this and you're not me (only you'll know that) congratulations you win. Comment, address, pen.

So what is the point? Well I want to be a writer someday. This blog allows me to hone my voice before unleashing it on the  E4  BBC3  Channel 4 Sky Living audiences.

It allows me to think creatively and work my creative muscle harder (sound dodgy? No didn't think so) than Mr Bumble used to work Oliver Twist (sounds a lot more dodgy now).

Anyone who wants to produce art should do it for themselves. Create it and then if it makes you laugh, cry, warm inside, cold inside, dizzy, nauseous, constipated or racist, then the chances are it will make someone else a erm......dizzy constipated racist and you're halfway there.

And so the answer is, dear reader, I do it for me. If I make people (anyone....please someone!) laugh, then my sole purpose in blogging is complete.

Short of that, i'm just going to start randomly posting pens to people; comments?

Like buses, you wait ages for one...

And then two blog updates turn up. And they're disgusting and have chav's in them.

Which brings me to my next point. Katie Price.

Like the razor sharp satirst I am (do you know how razor sharp I am? It took me three attempts to spell satrist. Satirist. There we go. Told you!), I thought I would rip it out of the Olympics.

And do you know what, I can't. Against my very nature (forged by constant mocking during P.E lessons), i'm quite enjoying all of this sport. So I thought I would mock Katie Price instead.

Now, Sky Living are competing with the BBC's ambitious use of our TV licence fee (what's that Beeb? 10 hours of coverage?! Take my £12.00 a month....Shhh you're enjoying it Amar remember?!) by broadcasting a documentary on Jordan. Which is an unusual move because I can only imagine her life would generate enough interesting footage to fill one of those annoying adverts you get at the beginning of YouTube videos). Here's the programme description;

"An appearance on Celebrity Deal or No Deal moves Katie Price to tears as she competes to win £250,000 for charity. Later, she and her friends head to Las Vegas, where a day of shopping for puppies and designing perfumes is followed by a sky dive and a zip wire almost 4,000ft above the Valley - a prospect the former glamour model finds terrifying. Back home, an old friend who is now an urban artist helps her create a new self-portrait."

Now if it read like this, I would watch it;

"An appearance on Celebrity Deal or No Deal moves Katie Price to tears as she struggles with the concept of picking random numbers. Later, she and her friends head to Las Vegas, where the idea of shopping for puppies and designing perfumes terrifys the "glamour" model. Back home, an old "friend" ("honestly sweetheart he's just mummies friend who pops round late at night and stays till the morning. What noises? Oh mummy was just playing a really fun game sweetie") who is now a monk helps her create a new self-portrait using colouring pencils"

Instead i've decided to watch the Olympic Swimming. Now when Claire Balding interviewed the brothers Shaune Fraser and Brett Fraser, she came out with a couple of blinding questions;

""You're brothers. Do you fight over breakfast, who gets the sugar and the milk?"
- Yes Claire, that's what world class athletes, hold on, grown men do.

"Did the little brother follow the big brother?"
- Chronologically speaking Claire, he didn't have much choice

"Your parents, they must get extremely nervous"
 - Yes I imagine they do. Especially when the boys start fighting over sugar, milk and who has to answer daft questions.


"Oh but it's just a bit of fun Amar, like when you rip off Stewart Lee's ranting in the third person"

No no it's not. Balding reduces jockeys to tears. Remember that.

I might watch Jordan after all....

The Dark Knight Rises. By Dark Knight, I mean me. By Rises I mean writes. I should have titled this The Me Writes but that doesn't make sense.

So next week i'm off to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival which I am incredibly excited about. Not the funniest opening line for a "funny" blog but that is my point. I've lost my...I want to say groove but that's a horrible word and reminds me of this classic Simpsons moment;

[CLIP HAS BEEN REMOVED BY 20TH CENTURY FOX ON THE BASIS THAT IT MAY POSSIBLY NOT EXIST]

Ok I can't find what I was talking about. Basically Homer watches a film called How Stella Got Her Groove Back. I'm not sure what it's about but I imagine it culminates in Stella getting her "groove back". Educated guess.

Anyway i've lost mine. I haven't written in ages and if you're a dedicated follower of this blog you've probably noticed that it hasn't been updated in a while. Saying that, I felt that in the run up to what should be a 'fest of creativeness (Edinburgh, in case you've lost my original point. It's ok it happens) I thought I would start writing this bad boy again.

See you in six months!!!

Weekly humour

So I write for this programme called Newsjack on BBC Radio 4 Extra.

I say I write for it, like it's a regular gig. It's not. Basically every week, for six weeks, they invite submissions for  topical jokes from members of the public like me and you. Yes even you Kerry Katona.

As I wannabe sitcom writer/ hot air balloon stuntman, I enter every week, desperately hoping i'll get something on and you know what, last series I did. It was an insanely unfunny joke-

(Prince Philip Impersonator) I see the Greek government is asking the Germans for help with their debt. They want to be careful; the last time a German helped out a penniless Greek, she gave birth to Prince Charles.

Told you. Anyway the eternal battle to get a joke read out to a huge audience of 43 has begun again and every Thursday I'm like this woman-

Applauding myself for the amazing jokes I've written, only to pause mid clap when I realise they're not going to be on.

So alas, do yourself a favour, read these topical jokes and clap like a woman from 1973...
(The JackApps are pretend phone calls people make to the show. The corrections are when the show pretends to apologise for a mistake in a previous show)

The JackApp

- (As The Queen) I thought a Greek bail out was what I had to do when Phillip upset someone... 

- I heard that people are reportedly stealing chewing gum to use as currency in Romania?! Nah...that won't stick in court

- (Australian accent) So Dutch researchers think they've created the world's first completely artificial beefcake? Err I think you'll find that Peter Andre's mum got there first.

- I found those recent Ryanair adverts really offensive because to suggest that anyone would want to fly with Ryanair is massively offensive. 

- Elton John's playing Blackpool? So not so much Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, more like Hello Vomit Stained Path... 

- I want to tune into that new Carlos Tevez programme tonight. One Mancini and His Dog...

- I know Twickenham Studios is closing in June but it'll probably be July once they've done all the adverts and trailers and stuff.

- Ofcom didn't think Clarkson was offensive? They should be taken outside and shot in front of their families. We never get to see the day to day life of an Ofcom official and a family photograph would be nice. 

- (Yorkshire accent) I'm glad that old naked rambler has been fined for ruining the West Yorkshire landscape. It's an absolutely appalling, disgusting sight and not one that needs to be further ruined by some naked bloke.


Corrections

- We'd like to apologise to Ryanair for suggesting that their flights to Edinburgh were as popular as haggis. In retrospect we realise that comparison was offal. 

- We'd like to apologise to the Duchess of Cornwall, after her visit to Sandown this week, for suggesting that she was the same as any of the horses there. We've since found out that she was in fact the clear favourite that day and won the race by a full furlong. 

- We'd like to apologise to the House of Commons for our suggestion that Welfare Bill was actually the alias of a notorious benefits cheat. 

- We'd like to apologise to James Murdoch for suggesting he was going to avoid the phone hacking scandal by hiding in outer space. It would appear we misinterpreted the headline that Rupert Murdoch was going to launch Sun on Sunday.

Comeback....

Just like Steps, I've decided to make an ill advised, wholly unwanted and completely unnecessary comeback. If you want excuses for why I haven't updated this is a while, feel free to make up your own.

I thought i'd update this as I've managed to make my own funny picture. That's right, no pinching off the interweb tonight. This is a bonafide original. Found on Digital Spy nonetheless. Let's just say me and Harry Potter had the same reaction to the story i've circled....

So I hope you, my loving audience of one (you know who you are) enjoyed this picture and brief comeback. And make sure you do comeback because you never know, I may make another comeback. Comeback.