Monday 28 October 2013

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it – George Carlin

Thanks George. Good quote.

After some ruddy bloody nice feedback on my other scripts, I've decided to stick one of my latest ones below.

As part of my ongoing writers group experience, I became consciously aware that all my lead characters tended to be males. I might have been made unconsciously aware of this but then I wouldn't be aware of it.....never mind....

So yeah mainly males. We were challenged to re-invent a parable and I thought I would tackle (no pun intended) The Prodigal Son but write it as The Prodigal Daughter.

Can I write convincing female characters? You decide. Unless you're a sheep. In which case, I'm already impressed that ewe've read this far (pun intended).

Random trivia - When I first presented this to the writers group, the feedback was that the ending was too positive, that it wraps everything up nicely. I therefore present the amended script with added cynical-ness (?)

Characters
Maeve Dempsey – Proud mother that doesn’t suffer fools easily
Fiona Dempsey – Older sister that needs to learn to relax
Darcy Dempsey – Younger sister who is too relaxed

The three women are sat at a kitchen table, facing away from each other.
MAEVE
I love my daughters. They’re not perfect and they have their ups and downs but who doesn’t? I was younger than they are now when I had them. Twenty years old, pregnant and living above a bookies. I used to say to Aaron "how can we ever get any luck, if them downstairs keep using it all up?!". Anyway Fiona came along and we managed to cope. Five years later Darcy was born and we HAD to cope. Aaron got the business on its first legs just as he was on his last and then that was it. Me, single mum, with two young girls and a failing company. However the great lord himself looked after us. Well him and Father Chris who let us tell the parishioners about our low prices every Sunday. Yeah we did alright out of it.

FIONA
You’re damn right I respect the woman. To be left with two small girls to look after and then....AND THEN to build up a business to become a success, well it’s hard to not admire her. I feel like she looked after us and yeah...now it’s up to us to look after her. Ok she missed some sports days but that’s understandable right? Trust me, Darcy could learn a lot from her about responsibility and growing up.

DARCY
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum. I know how hard she’s worked. I know what it was like, trying to get those blokes to listen to her and to treat her like the boss. Trust me; I know how big a company it is today and how much it means to her and Fiona but you know what else I know? I know I don’t care. Missing the odd sports day is ok but missing dinner with us every night? Fiona doesn’t care but she could learn a lot about choosing money over actually enjoying life.

MAEVE
I know they both care deeply about what we’ve got. It’s their future and their fathers’ legacy. Aaron used to say to me "wait for them to become women and let them make their own choices Em." So I decided when they both turned sixteen, I would give them their portion of the company. Let them make their own choice. Fiona got it first and honestly, she was the strangest sixteen year old I’ve ever seen. All she talked about was being part of the business. That was all she wanted to spend her share on.

FIONA
Well once I got the money, it was a no-brainer. I bought Spice Girls tickets. Why wouldn’t I? It was great that night, Wembley Stadium and Geri Haliwell strutting her stuff. It was that song ’Mamma’ that got me though. It was then that I decided I wasn’t going to let my mother down. Everything else could wait. I poured the rest of the cash, save fifty quid that I spent on an iPod, into the company and became a majority partner. By seventeen I was bossing around men twice my height and age. Geri would have been proud!

DARCY
Honestly though, how sad can you be? You’re given this HUGE sum of money and you spend it on Spice Girls tickets?! Like please! And then to make it worse, you spend the rest on an iPod?! Oh wait, that’s quite cool actually...Seriously though, she’s such a goody two shoes "oh please take my money mummy...I want to come to church with you every Sunday and spend every weekday with greasy smelly builders". Now, me, I know how to spend cash...

MAEVE
Now, Darcy, well she knows how to spend cash. Completely different from Fiona but not in a good or bad way. Just different. I admired her free spirit, her reluctance to be tied down. I wished she had thought about her future but life’s too short. I don’t think what she did was a bad idea.

FIONA
Absolutely terrible idea. Our mother and father busted their arses to provide for us and she squanders it on what? Shots of Sambuca and pitchers of cocktails?! Please! I thought at the time "Just you wait sweetheart. All of this will be over soon and then where will you be? Busting trays at McDonalds, that’s where"

DARCY
Right, have you ever seen cows? The young ones, the calves, are cute and free and then they get older and the farmer feeds them up and then what? They become fat old cows, standing around in a field, doing the same thing every day and waiting to die. I’ll tell you something. I was a calf and I had no intention of standing still and getting fat. The minute the cash rolled in I was off. Bye bye cow herd, this calf was going to get slaughtered in a completely different way. Spent the first couple of years, bouncing round the country. Festivals, weekends away. A two year hangover. When I was drunk once I accidentally drove a Mini Cooper into the Thames. Well I say the Thames, it was actually the canal down the road. Well I say a Mini Cooper. OK it was a shopping trolley but you know...erm...rock and roll… When I turned eighteen, the world was literally my oyster. First bar I hit up; the Ranch in Australia! The floors haven’t been their original colour in years but who cares. You don’t look at the floor when you’re dancing the night away! I was free and I was never coming back.

MAEVE
And after a while I got a letter from her. She was coming back. If I’m being entirely honest with you, I wish she hadn’t blown it all....but she did. And she’s my girl. So I prepared to welcome her back with open arms and I imagined Fiona felt the same.

FIONA
Nope! Absolutely not. I was not interested in the slightest that "the prodigal daughter" herself was returning. Don’t get me wrong; I was happy that she was coming home to us safely. That aside, I was adamant; there was no way she was getting back into the business. She spent her share; goodbye, I’m out, she’s fired!

DARCY
Yeah so I got fired. From this bar in LA. Like I cared. I had all the money I wanted. Except when I finally checked my balance I erm sort of didn’t. Luck’s like a bloke; it sticks around when the times are good but before you know it, it’s out the door quicker than a weed smoker when the police come knocking. And so I decided to come home. The bubble had burst. Grr I could see Fiona’s stupid face "err I told you this would happen!” I decided I needed a story. "Guys, I’ve spent all this time in Africa, building a village for those more unfortunate than me but now the moneys run out, Lenny Henry isn’t prepared to help, and so I’m back...." I practiced it constantly on the way home. When I got off the plane, I saw her and I was ready. "Mum! Listen...."

MAEVE
And I stopped her right there. "You do not have to say anything Darcy. I just love that you’re home" And I did. I didn’t care what she had been doing. All that mattered was that my two girls were home. I decided I would throw a party. Nothing massive, just close friends and family. Something to welcome Darcy back with. I was aware that Fiona would be annoyed so I got a beautiful piece of veal for the party, Fiona’s favourite. I knew she’d be ok with everything.

FIONA
I was not ok with everything. Not in the slightest. So not only does she creep back into our lives with some crap story about being in Africa, but mum throws her a party?! To top it all off, Mum’s cooking this lovely piece of veal, my favourite may I add, for her darling Darcy. Talk about kicking a girl when she’s down! Darcy doesn’t appreciate the hard work that goes into these things.

DARCY
I appreciated the effort but I wasn’t in a partying mood. I did a lot of that when I was away. A little too much. Nope, all I wanted to do was keep my head down, find a job and build a life. I didn’t even like the veal!

MAEVE
Darcy loved the veal! Fiona wasn’t happy with the whole thing so she skipped the party. Why wasn’t she happy to see her sister? Honestly those girls! How can I be expected to keep those bloody builders in line if I can’t control my own family?!

FIONA
And so I told Darcy that I was happy she was back but she was not by any means to think she was getting a part of the company. She traded her share for shots and cocktails and now it’s gone, she’s out. I didn’t go to that sham of the party; I had work to do. Some of us had to keep those bloody builders in line!

DARCY
I didn’t care about those bloody builders! I just wanted a job in a McDonalds or something. I saw Fiona and after she finished her ’territorial, I’ve wee’d on this tree and it’s now mine speech’ I told her how I felt. "It wasn’t my fault that you wasted your life Fiona. You’re jealous that I’ve lived. Truly lived. And frankly that’s pathetic!" That didn’t go down too well. Why can’t we all just be honest with each other?!

Maeve pushes her chair back, and steps back. The girls do the same and stand next to her, facing each other.

MAEVE
So you two

FIONA
Mum wait I need to

DARCY
No let me

MAEVE
You don’t even

FIONA
I do and no.

DARCY
No what?

FIONA
No, I don’t forgive you

DARCY
Do you think I ca…

FIONA
No and neither do I. Jesus!

Fiona walks off the stage

DARCY
Mum, I was going to

MAEVE
I know

DARCY
But I don’t know why I

MAEVE
Because she’s your sister

DARCY
No she’s not

Darcy walks off the stage

MAEVE
Oh...those bloody girls....Cows! Both of them...my cows...

Maeve sits back at the table and puts her head in her arms. The lights fade out.





THE END

Sunday 11 August 2013

Live, alive, G Live

This page said "draft" on my blog list thingy (technical term, not mine) so I guess I had opened a new page and didn't write anything.

So, in the interests of not wasting electronic paper (I don't know how that works either) here is my script that I presented for the G Live read-through recently. An amazing night, lots of talented writers presented their work, and it all went down really well with the audience.

I'm really proud of this piece. I think it's the first thing i've written with clearly defined characters and I feel like i've learnt an important lesson - write clear characters and your story will fly. Enjoy!




The curtains open and we see a desk with an AIRPORT GUARD behind it. A sign above his head reads "Check-In Desk". A queue of people are slowly being processed and once they have, they walk off stage. LUCY bounces up to the back of the queue, followed moments later by ALAN who stands behind her. She bobs up and down before turning to face Alan, who is clutching his chest.

LUCY
Oh dear are you ok?

Alan ignores her. He takes a deep breath and then stands more comfortably. Lucy continues to bob up and down.
LUCY
So I’m waiting for my boyfriend to come back. He's just nipped to the loo. His name's Charlie and he's gorgeous!

Alan ignores her
LUCY
My name's Lucy, what's yours?

Alan continues to ignore her
LUCY
Yeah Charlie’s great though. We're going to Marbella. Well you know that because so are you! Ha! It's our first holiday together! Can you believe it? I wanted to...

ALAN
It's ALAN and no, i'm sorry but i'm really not interested. I just want to stand here quietly if that's ok.

LUCY
Sure no problem. Sorry!

Lucy turns to face the front again. She tries to contain it but she's clearly excited. Suddenly she faces Alan again.
LUCY
You see, we never really had the money before now. Charlie always says I'm a silly billy but I was only sixteen and I thought charity shops paid people to work there. Trouble is, it only took me a couple of hours and I was hooked. Charlie wasn't too pleased but he always says when he saw how happy I was helping other people, he didn't mind. Anyway he was working at the...

ALAN
I'm sorry but how old are you?

LUCY
I’ll be twenty five in two days’ time. Charlie says we're going to find a nice restaurant and...

ALAN
Twenty five and you talk like you're a small child? Honesty listen to yourself

LUCY
I've never really thought about it like that before. Charlie says...

ALAN
"Charlie says...Charlie says" Where is your beloved Charlie ay? I think your Charlie’s left you my dear.

LUCY
Why? Do you think he's ok? Oh god I hope anything hasn't happened to him on the way to the bathroom. When I first met him, he had hit his head. Well I say he hit his head, technically 'someone' hit his head.

ALAN
Why don't you go and see where he is, if you're so worried and leave me alone

LUCY
You see, Daniel Higgins took my pencil case and made me cry. It was a Hello Kitty one.

ALAN
Hello Kitty? Again how old are you?

LUCY
Twenty five in two days time. No, see I was only twelve and Daniel Higgins took it. I cried all the way home and then just after Newsround finished, there was this knock at the door...

ALAN
Brilliant, honesty i'd just like to stand here...

LUCY
And it was Charlie. He had seen me cry and then he went and stood up to this Daniel Higgins. Trouble is, Charlie isn't the biggest guy. Never has been and Daniel floored him. Thing is...

ALAN
Honesty I...

LUCY
Thing is, Charlie didn't give up fighting. Daniel eventually gave it to him out of pity. And when he turned up at my door I...

ALAN
Annoyed him so much that he was forced to date you?

LUCY
No silly. No when he turned up at my door I made him a cup of tea. Best cup of tea he ever had he said. And hobnobs!

ALAN
Lucky boy

LUCY
And we haven't really been apart since. Well I went to uni and he went to a different one but every weekend I saw him and now here we are. First holiday!

ALAN
Do you make a habit of pestering strangers?

LUCY
Sometimes. So who are you here with?

ALAN
No-one. Is that ok?

LUCY
I don't know really. Do you think it's ok?

ALAN
What do you care what I think?

LUCY
I think you're interesting. I feel like I know you

ALAN
I don't think so.

LUCY
Yeah no I definitely know you. Did you ever teach at Oak Hill?
ALAN
Nope

LUCY
Hmmmm….
Lucy turns to face the front and Alan resumes standing there, moping. Suddenly Lucy spins around

LUCY
I KNOW!  You were at the same hospital as me weren't you

ALAN
Was I?

LUCY
Yep I saw you. Hanging about outside my room. Not in a weird way. Well I don't think so. Anyway that day was amazing. Not only did I find out that err well whatever it was I had, had gone into remission, but my dad bought us lunch and we played crazy golf by the beach. Dad so cheated on the Big Windmill and I...

ALAN
You were at St Andrews?

LUCY
Was I?! Only for like the whole of last year. Yeah basically test and test and test and test and test and...

ALAN
Test?

LUCY
Yes! And then they did stuff and it backed off. Typical. As Dad said, nothing can stand up to any Wilson woman that stands their ground!

ALAN
Wonderful...

LUCY
So where's your wife?

ALAN
She died.

LUCY
Oh i'm sorry.

ALAN
Why? You didn't run her down

LUCY
No but it's what people say isn't it. That's what people said to me when I got ill. "I'm sorry". Weird isn't it. How did you meet?

ALAN
We were at the same bus stop and when it started raining she shared her umbrella with me. Her name was Lucy.

LUCY
Like me?! No way! Aww. She sounds like me. I like helping other people. Makes you feel good doesn’t it. Do you have any children?

ALAN
One. A boy. Well man now. Is that alright?!

LUCY
What's his name?

ALAN
Mark. Why?

LUCY
Just making conversation. You know, to pass the time.

AIRPORT GUARD
NEXT!
The queue moves forward and the two people get processed. Lucy and Alan are next

LUCY
Oh I hope Charlie is ok. Honestly that boy would lose his head if it wasn't screwed on. Which is weird because i've never seen any screws on anyone but yet everyone always says that and...

ALAN
Thank god, nearly there

LUCY
So where's Mark then?

ALAN
If I answer will you leave me alone?!

LUCY
Hmmm. Maybe.

ALAN
I don't talk to him.

LUCY
Really? Then how do you tell him his dinner's ready?

ALAN
He doesn't live with me

LUCY
Oh dear. Why's that then?

ALAN
Is it any of your business?

LUCY
Did he keep annoying you?

ALAN
You could say that. If you want to know, he nearly bankrupt me

LUCY
Oh dear.......can't have done it that badly, you're off to Marbella!

ALAN
No but nearly. Him and that stupid garage of his. You watch one episode of Dragons Den and you think you can run your own company?! But that’s ok as long as daddy dearest is there to pick up the bill

LUCY
What do you do?

ALAN
I'm a mechanic.

LUCY
Oh. So he just wanted to be like his dad then?

ALAN
If he had wanted to be like his dad, he would have been more sensible with his money. Saved it for a rainy day.

LUCY
Maybe he just wanted to make you proud?

ALAN
Sorry what is this to do with you anyway?

LUCY
Nothing but Charlie's taking his time. This one time when we went to see Mrs Doubtfire he went to get popcorn. Honestly I swear half the film was over before he returned. Turns out they had run out of popcorn and because he knew how much I like popcorn when we go to the cinema, he had walked to the local Sainsbury’s. Thing is, it was about two miles away. Ha!

ALAN
It sounds like he really loved you

LUCY
He still does. Tells me every day. Ha!

ALAN
Ok. Enough's enough now. Thank you, lovely to meet you 

LUCY
I love airports you know. There's so much love here. People arriving and friends welcoming them. Girlfriends saying goodbye and boyfriends saying hello.

ALAN
And who cares? Honestly how much of that matters in the end? Ay?

LUCY
What do you mean?

ALAN
Who cares about love? People live and more importantly, here's the kicker, people die! All the love in the world doesn't matter when you live your whole life waiting for it to get better, waiting for a bit of extra cash or a bigger house or a better job and then you die and no-one cares

LUCY
I think people would care if I died...

ALAN
Oh….that explains everything. You don't get it do you?

LUCY
Get what?

ALAN
You are dead. You died. This is it.

LUCY
Ay?! No it's not. We're off to Marbella.

ALAN
I can assure you we're not. And I know because the last thing I saw was the doctor. I can still feel that pain in my heart. Oh god, nothing like it. And then black. And then….here.

LUCY
But Charlie has just nipped to the toilet. He'll be back...

Lucy has stopped bouncing.

LUCY
Oh god I remember now. I saw you, you were being taken to the operating room. And then Charlie nipped to the toilet and I closed my eyes for a minute and then...

ALAN
Yep. Marbella

Lucy stands there, quiet and calm for the first time. Slowly she turns to Alan.

LUCY
Well hey-ho, I had a good run. Let's see what's...

AIRPORT GUARD
NEXT!

Two people walk off stage and Lucy and Alan walk up to the desk

LUCY
So what's this all about then?

ALAN
You know. This is the gate to up there. The last stop

LUCY
Huh?

ALAN
The lords’ kingdom.
Lucy laughs heartily. Alan looks angry.

AIRPORT GUARD
Right a few questions then. Do you have your passport?

ALAN
Yep

LUCY
Nope! Ha!

AIRPORT GUARD
Okay thank you. Right and can you just confirm you haven't got any diseases or illness?

ALAN
Nope.

LUCY
Only disco fever but apparently that's incurable.

AIRPORT GUARD
Right ok. And have you lived a life completely without sin?

ALAN
Always

LUCY
Without sin? Fraid not. This one time, I spent all night drinking Apple Sours and I had to take a wee behind HMV. Charlie was not happy.

AIRPORT GUARD
Okay if you could both just proceed through here please

LUCY
No i'm going to stay here I think

ALAN
What? Why would you do that? This is eternal life. It's what everyone wants?!

LUCY
Alan, really! Ask yourself this. If I don't believe in heaven, and I honestly don't, how come I’m here?

ALAN
I don't know...I just presumed....

LUCY
Maybe it's not leading you to heaven Alan

ALAN
But it must be. My whole life I’ve believed I’d get eternity! What else is worth living for?!

LUCY
Alan. Let it go. You lived, you loved. You shared an umbrella with a beautiful woman and your son made you proud. You had Lucy. I had Charlie. But Alan, it's over...

ALAN
How can you be so dismissive? Look at you, you’re just a child

LUCY
Twenty five in two days’ time. Well not anymore I guess ha! Permanently twenty four. Joan Collins would kill for that.
ALAN
Don’t you want to go back and see that Charlie again?

LUCY
Alan. Some people can live twenty five years and experience far more in their life than others who are around for seventy years. I spent every moment knowing this would happen one day and I lived the hell out of what I got. I got to meet the love of my life and I made every day with Charlie count. Do you honestly think I’m not ready now it’s over?

ALAN
I....I’m..............I'm scared

LUCY
It's ok Alan. It's ok. Come on.

Alan looks scared. Lucy takes his hand and rubs it. Alan looks at the gate and back to Lucy. Slowly he walks through the gate and off stage. Lucy watches him go before returning to the back of the queue. A disgruntled looking old lady walks behind her. Lucy spins around

LUCY
My name's Lucy, what's yours?

The old lady ignores her. Lucy looks at her, knowingly, and smiles.

LUCY
So I’m waiting for my boyfriend to come back. He's just nipped to the loo. His name's Charlie and he's gorgeous!


THE END