In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity - Hunter S Thompson

Hello again y'all,

Look at this - two blog updates in two days. I'd feel proud of myself if blogging wasn't the writing equivalent of eating a Big Mac - quick, easy but the minute you've finished it, a slow wave of regret and ketchup gently washes over you.

Five minutes until wave (that makes me sound like a bloke in Brighton, with nothing else to do but watch the sea)

So the piece below is the sassy little number that I used for the last live read-through. I'd like to pretend that it has themes of redemption and soul searching but it doesn't. Its four blokes who try to rob jewellery store. But get stopped by OAPs.

Four minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke in football ground, with nothing else to do but watch the crowd)

The piece came about while I was waiting for my laptop to load up. I was preparing to write a much darker piece but happened to watch Fight back Britain while my laptop was making that weird wheezing noise.

Three minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke studying earthquakes, with nothing else to do but watch a seismograph.....?)

On Fight back Britain (surely the BBC's most antagonistic programme title?)there was a story about a group of criminals who tried to break into a jewellers, only to get taken down by an elderly lady and her shopping bags. Search YouTube for the clip. It's hilarious and easily accessible. Which is why I haven't put the link here.

Two minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a...erm....scientist...with nothing else to do but watch erm...gamma??!)

The same gang then tried another jewellers, a week later. And they were stopped again. But an elderly man. Which made me think. Were they the unluckiest gang ever or the stupidest?

One minute till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke writing a blog about waves, with nothing else to say about them)

And that's that really. Regret and remorse. Did the gang experience these? I know I might. Or will I? Who knows. I'm off for a Big Mac...

Have a Go By Amardeep Singh Sandhu

Don Daniels – Angry
Roger Davidson - Dry
Pete Phillips - Shy
Harry Michaels - Stupid


SCENE 1

DON, ROGER, PETE and HARRY rush into the room, wearing motorcycle helmets. They furiously rip them off

DON
Roger, did I literally just see you swing a sledgehammer at an eighty year old woman?!

ROGER
She started it! Tell him Pete

PETE
Erm...I...erm didn’t see anything Don

HARRY
I thought it went quite well, personally

DON
Sorry Harry, which part went well exactly? The meticulous planning that took three weeks? The bit where we almost broke through the jewellery shop window? Or was it, the fact that four blokes with fat-off sledgehammers got intimated by Molly bloody Sugden and got away with ABSOLUTELY BLOODY NOTHING?!

HARRY
Erm yeah no not the Molly Slocombe bit.

ROGER
Molly Sugden

HARRY
That’s what I said. Molly Slocombe.

ROGER
No, you nonce! Molly Sugden was the actress. Mrs Slocombe was the character she played. Always talked about her pussy.

HARRY
Ha! Pussy is a rude word…

ROGER
The pussy was actually her cat. Hilarious. She’s dead now mind.

HARRY
That was quick. We only saw her twenty minutes ago. Her poor pussy.

PETE
I erm don’t think Don meant...

DON
CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT PUSSIES PLEASE?!

HARRY
Sorry Don

PETE
Yeah sorry Don

ROGER
I was still right. Molly SUGDEN

DON
I don’t care if we were attacked by Pat BLOODY Butcher! We should have come away from that place with bags of cash and all we got was...

He snatches the bag from Pete

DON
Peppa Pig cufflinks?! Oh that’s just wonderful! All thanks to some old dear swinging her Sainsbury’s bags at us.

ROGER
I think they were from Lidl’s actually

DON
Roger, you’re my best mate but I will end you, I swear

HARRY
So that woman’s name was Pat Butcher? I think I know where she lives. We need to get to Albert Square!

DON
RIGHT! I’m going home. It’s Christmas bloody day. Suzanne’s going to give me an earful for being out and leaving her with the kids and what do I have to show for it? Some ridiculous cufflinks, Mr Clever, Mr Quiet and Thicky McThickson!

HARRY
Aww I’ve never been called clever before.

DON
SORT. IT. OUT. It’s Boxing Day tomorrow. We’ll do the Ernest Jones next to KFC.

ROGER
I think it’s a Chicken Cottage actually

DON
WHATEVER! Providing no old timers are out, we should be ok. MAN THE HELL UP YOU THREE!

Don storms out.

ROGER
He’s right you know. I think it is a KFC

HARRY
I thought it went well. I love Peppa Pig.

PETE
Tomorrow will be better

SCENE 2

Roger and Pete rush into the room, wearing motorcycle helmets. They furiously rip them off. Harry runs into the room but isn’t wearing a helmet.

PETE
Yesterday went much better

ROGER
Oh god, oh god, oh god...

HARRY
I thought it went quite well actually.

ROGER
ARE YOU JOKING ME?!

HARRY
Well we made it back...

ROGER
Brilliant and at what point did you think it was a good idea to swing your sledgehammer at that old man?!

HARRY
He was trying to grab my bag...

PETE
He was erm trying to grab his bag...

ROGER
Shut it Shy-man Cowell! No one asked you. All I know was that me and Don were almost in the shop when I turned around. I saw Harry swinging at that old bloke like he was a piñata and he was dodging Harry, like he was a drunk at a party!

HARRY
I do like a drink at parties...

ROGER
What happened to Don?

PETE
Erm so that fella then grabbed erm Harrys helmet...

Harry sniggers
ROGER
DO NOT LAUGH. Go on ’Silent Witness’

PETE
So Don then grabs the old guy and Harry’s helmet came off. That’s when you started shouting at them both. When we heard the sirens, we all jumped on the bike but when I looked round Don was on the pavement being straddled by the old guy

Harry sniggers


ROGER
DO NOT LAUGH! And did he see your face Harry?

HARRY
Nah, he was eighty odd. Blind as a bat. Or Stevie Wonder because bats aren’t technically blind, they use this like radar vision and....

ROGER
He better not have seen you! Right screw Don. Take a couple of days. On New Year’s Day, we’re going for the big one

HARRY
Fort Knox?

ROGER
F Hinds. On the high street. Come on. I want to be home for Wallace and Gromit.

They start packing things away

PETE
You know, that old guy reminded me of that teacher, Mr Smith.

ROGER
He looked nothing like Mr Smith. Trust me, I never forget a face.

SCENE 3

Pete and Harry mooch into the room

PETE
Who’d have thought it ay? Mr Smith. Lucky he didn’t recognise you.

HARRY
Poor Roger though. I reckon Mr Smith must have recognised his voice.

PETE
Well, tough teats. Serves him right.

HARRY
You’ve grown a pair over Christmas mate

PETE
Not really. I just don’t have those two keeping me down anymore.

HARRY
Yeah...

PETE
I reckon they might catch up with us soon. The police I mean.

HARRY
On borrowed time mate. I can’t believe we lost Don and Roger

PETE
They’re not dead Harry

HARRY
They might as well be. Did you see that look Don’s wife gave me down the pub yesterday? It was subtle but I know what it meant

PETE
Tipping a pint over your head and screaming in your face was pretty subtle. For her anyway.

HARRY
Yeah she was screaming a lot wasn’t she?

PETE
Yeah....

They both stand there in contemplation for a moment, smiling.

PETE
So just the two of us then?

HARRY
Yep. Batman and Robin

PETE
I’m not Robin.

HARRY
Neither am I. Ok how about Batman and erm...Bananaman.

PETE
I could be Bananaman.

HARRY
I hate Bananas.

PETE
Its New Year’s Day tomorrow isn’t it. New start

HARRY
Pete, I don’t care what day it is. I’m not going to eat a bloody banana. They taste like....disappointment.

PETE
No I meant a new start. For us maybe.

HARRY
Pete, you’re a great mate but I’m not that way inclined. I know everyone thinks I’m gay because I love Tom Daley but I’m not. I just think he’s a brilliant swimmer.

PETE
I. MEANT. FROM THIS. How about we just...erm....don’t rob somewhere? Clean slate? Quit while we’re ahead. The world’s our oyster. We’ve been given a second chance, one more shot at life. Let’s get away, find somewhere new. We’ll do it right this time, a fresh start beginning today!

HARRY
Erm...yeah...sounds good. So what are we going to do now then?

They both stand there, staring at each other

PETE
Fancy doing over F Hinds on the high street?

HARRY
Yeah let’s do it. What’s the worst that could happen?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying - Woody Allen

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television” Well said Woody. Well said .

And if my life was a bad television programme, it would probably be series eight of Red Dwarf; full of promise, the occasional spark of genius but ultimately not as funny as everyone thought it would be, mainly because of Kochanski (how was that ever going to work?!) and really bad CGI.

Right, the metaphor may have slipped away from me there. However a man/ legend who has had an immensely interesting life is Mr Allen Stewart Konigsberg (or Heyward Allen, as he called himself later in life. And then Woody).

For the latest writing project, we were tasked with including a real person within one of our scripts, the idea being to try to emulate their particular voice. I chose (partially inspired by a cracking trip to the brilliant Prince Charles Cinema, Leicester Square, to see Annie Hall) to write Woody Allen into one of my scripts and then do as he does, and make the whole thing a little zany, a little postmodern, and hopefully funny.

And then I thought I’d stick myself in it as well. Anyway as always, enjoy!

Heywood Allen’s Voice By Amardeep Singh Sandhu

LAURA LEE – Obnoxious, annoying, self-involved
WOODY ALLEN – Nervous, intimidated, wants to be more confident
AMAR SANDHU – Dry, nonchalant A New York diner.

A New York diner. WOODY and LAURA have just sat down to a cup of coffee together. Laura is jotting things down on pieces of paper throughout their conversation

WOODY

So you want my...erm...my voice then...

LAURA

Yeah not literally (snort) No I need to get a sense of how you sound, the Woody Allen everyone knows and...well SOME people...love. (snort) I prefer your earlier stuff really.

WOODY

And is is for the...erm...biopic

LAURA

Yep for the biopic. ’Woody. The Movie’. Or maybe ’Allen. The Movie’. Or....wait a minute....YES I’VE GOT IT!

Her hands spell out imaginary words only she sees.

LAURA

How about ’Woody Allen. The Movie’? Catchy huh. Honestly I surprise myself sometimes.

WOODY

Well...you know...I I I I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t...you know...errr know what it is you want from me exactly

LAURA

So yeah I need to well LISTEN to you. Could you tell me a story from your past? How about when you were ridiculously shy and couldn’t get onto stage so they...

She bursts out laughing

LAURA

Ha ha ha yeah they had to literally shove you on stage. Tell me that one.

WOODY

Erm well...yeah...I was shy. Well I still am but I was and now I am so...yeah...erm…

Laura freezes and Woody turns to face the audience

WOODY

Why do the girls always think I’m shy? Woody Allen; shy and paranoid. Well I I I I’ll tell you what. I’m not and I’m not paranoid....I think. Oh god do I come across as paranoid? Stop looking at me like that... I blame my mudda really. Never gave me the encouragement I needed. Shame, I did have a thing for this chick but she’s too...well erm....annoying

Laura unfreezes and Woody continues

WOODY

And they were all looking at me and I I I froze and didn’t what to do. Before I knew it...

LAURA

Yeah I get it, they shoved you on stage. Brilliant! So

I noticed you say ’AWL’ instead of ’all’

WOODY

Errr do I?

LAURA

Yeah...AAAWL. AAAWL. Like owl but with an aww

WOODY

I’m not entirely sure I’m comfortable with this conversation...

LAURA

Nah its fine! So tell me about your mother...

WOODY

Well my mudda used to say...

LAURA

That’s it! Mudda. Not mother. Mudda. You say mudda. I’ll write that down. Mud. Da. Brilliant! Ok ok so I’m getting ahead of myself here, I blame the lemonade (snort) ha ha ha but thinking of who we could get to play you...

WOODY

Play me?

LAURA

Yeah yeah. We need someone shy, someone a bit nerdy and really awkward. That’s sort of the Woody Allen everyone expects isn’t it. I’m thinking...Colin Firth! He was really good in...

Laura freezes. Woody turns again to the audience.

WOODY

WH-at?! Colin Firth? The English fella who played that king. Rrrreally? I know he’s good with a stutter but I I I I don’t really stutter when I talk. I also didn’t realise I came across as awkward. I thought I was.....charming. I’m seen as an auteur, a genius amongst his peers aren’t I? N n n not....awkward! Oh geez, I’m...I’m burning up in here, I just need to erm...

He faces Laura as he takes a sip of water. She unfreezes.

LAURA

And did you see him in Pride and Prejudice? The things I would let that man do to me and....

WOODY

Nope can’t go back to this either...

Laura freezes again and Woody turns to the audience

WOODY

Do you know who I blame for all this? My nervousness, the way I come across? The big guy. The man upstairs. My creator. Hold on, I got an idea.

Laura continues to freeze. Woody walks off stage and when he comes back on, he’s pulling Amar onto the stage.

WOODY

I blame you. Ok you’re not my actual creator. Obviously my actual creator is god, if you’re inclined to think that way. In fact it’s actually a very popular belief that the world was created in in in six days and...

AMAR

Be less awkward Woody

WOODY

Yeah...I’m I’m sorry. I just get so nervous around an audience and wait! Stop telling me what to do! You created me. Well this version of me anyway

AMAR

Thank you very much

WOODY

No, not ’thank you very much’. You’ve created a parody

of me. You don’t know what I’m like in real life!

AMAR

Shy, nervous and awkward?

WOODY

Yes...no! No I’m not. I’m erm....surprisingly...erm...

AMAR

Confident?

WOODY

Stop putting words into my mouth! I’m surprisingly...well yes confident

AMAR

Putting words into your mouth is sort of my job

WOODY

Well you don’t know me or my voice. What is this based on may I ask? Public perception of me? Like that can be trusted...

AMAR

Erm two feature length documentaries, various interviews on YouTube and several of your films actually

WOODY

Ok so...yeah ok then so you’ve done your research and erm....yeah ok

AMAR

Thing is Wood...can I call you Wood?

WOODY

I’d prefer Woody. Or Allen. No Woody, I prefer Woody.

AMAR

See Wood, I think I get your voice. Better than this "chick" anyway

He points to Laura. She’s still frozen.

AMAR

But that’s only because I get you Woody. I’m like you. I can be shy and nervous and sarcastic and you what?

WOODY

You blame your mudda for everything too?

AMAR

No Wood I don’t. Lovely woman if you ask me. No see I can change my voice, how I am, anytime I want. Difference is, i’m happy with the way the world sees me.

WOODY

Huh...yeah no I’m not like, sorry.

AMAR

Well....it sucks to be you with your millions of dollars and countless houses and critical acclaim and erm...yeah I’m going to stop now

WOODY

You know what?! I am happy being me! Screw how people see me. I know my own voice and it’s not just "awl" and

"mudda"

Laura unfreezes

LAURA

It’s not?! Well why the hell have I just wasted two hours then producing all this work?!! HONESTLY!

Laura throws her papers in the air and storms off stage

WOODY

Laura! I’m sorry! I can be less...confident and more awkward if you need me to be. Even now I’m worried that me shouting after you will draw unnecessary attention to me and…oh!

AMAR

Oh Woody! Man up! Honestly, haven’t you learned anything from the last five minutes?!

Amar storms off stage. Woody faces the audience

WOODY

You know what? You know what?! My one regret in life is…is…is that I am not someone else!

Woody buries his head in his hands at the table and the lights fade down.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it – George Carlin

Thanks George. Good quote.

After some ruddy bloody nice feedback on my other scripts, I've decided to stick one of my latest ones below.

As part of my ongoing writers group experience, I became consciously aware that all my lead characters tended to be males. I might have been made unconsciously aware of this but then I wouldn't be aware of it.....never mind....

So yeah mainly males. We were challenged to re-invent a parable and I thought I would tackle (no pun intended) The Prodigal Son but write it as The Prodigal Daughter.

Can I write convincing female characters? You decide. Unless you're a sheep. In which case, I'm already impressed that ewe've read this far (pun intended).

Random trivia - When I first presented this to the writers group, the feedback was that the ending was too positive, that it wraps everything up nicely. I therefore present the amended script with added cynical-ness (?)

Characters

Maeve Dempsey – Proud mother that doesn’t suffer fools easily

Fiona Dempsey – Older sister that needs to learn to relax

Darcy Dempsey – Younger sister who is too relaxed

The three women are sat at a kitchen table, facing away from each other.

MAEVE

I love my daughters. They’re not perfect and they have their ups and downs but who doesn’t? I was younger than they are now when I had them. Twenty years old, pregnant and living above a bookies. I used to say to Aaron "how can we ever get any luck, if them downstairs keep using it all up?!". Anyway Fiona came along and we managed to cope. Five years later Darcy was born and we HAD to cope. Aaron got the business on its first legs just as he was on his last and then that was it. Me, single mum, with two young girls and a failing company. However the great lord himself looked after us. Well him and Father Chris who let us tell the parishioners about our low prices every Sunday. Yeah we did alright out of it.

FIONA

You’re damn right I respect the woman. To be left with two small girls to look after and then....AND THEN to build up a business to become a success, well it’s hard to not admire her. I feel like she looked after us and yeah...now it’s up to us to look after her. Ok she missed some sports days but that’s understandable right? Trust me, Darcy could learn a lot from her about responsibility and growing up.

DARCY

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum. I know how hard she’s worked. I know what it was like, trying to get those blokes to listen to her and to treat her like the boss. Trust me; I know how big a company it is today and how much it means to her and Fiona but you know what else I know? I know I don’t care. Missing the odd sports day is ok but missing dinner with us every night? Fiona doesn’t care but she could learn a lot about choosing money over actually enjoying life.

MAEVE

I know they both care deeply about what we’ve got. It’s their future and their fathers’ legacy. Aaron used to say to me "wait for them to become women and let them make their own choices Em." So I decided when they both turned sixteen, I would give them their portion of the company. Let them make their own choice. Fiona got it first and honestly, she was the strangest sixteen year old I’ve ever seen. All she talked about was being part of the business. That was all she wanted to spend her share on.

FIONA

Well once I got the money, it was a no-brainer. I bought Spice Girls tickets. Why wouldn’t I? It was great that night, Wembley Stadium and Geri Haliwell strutting her stuff. It was that song ’Mamma’ that got me though. It was then that I decided I wasn’t going to let my mother down. Everything else could wait. I poured the rest of the cash, save fifty quid that I spent on an iPod, into the company and became a majority partner. By seventeen I was bossing around men twice my height and age. Geri would have been proud!

DARCY

Honestly though, how sad can you be? You’re given this HUGE sum of money and you spend it on Spice Girls tickets?! Like please! And then to make it worse, you spend the rest on an iPod?! Oh wait, that’s quite cool actually...Seriously though, she’s such a goody two shoes "oh please take my money mummy...I want to come to church with you every Sunday and spend every weekday with greasy smelly builders". Now, me, I know how to spend cash...

MAEVE

Now, Darcy, well she knows how to spend cash. Completely different from Fiona but not in a good or bad way. Just different. I admired her free spirit, her reluctance to be tied down. I wished she had thought about her future but life’s too short. I don’t think what she did was a bad idea.

FIONA

Absolutely terrible idea. Our mother and father busted their arses to provide for us and she squanders it on what? Shots of Sambuca and pitchers of cocktails?! Please! I thought at the time "Just you wait sweetheart. All of this will be over soon and then where will you be? Busting trays at McDonalds, that’s where"

DARCY

Right, have you ever seen cows? The young ones, the calves, are cute and free and then they get older and the farmer feeds them up and then what? They become fat old cows, standing around in a field, doing the same thing every day and waiting to die. I’ll tell you something. I was a calf and I had no intention of standing still and getting fat. The minute the cash rolled in I was off. Bye bye cow herd, this calf was going to get slaughtered in a completely different way. Spent the first couple of years, bouncing round the country. Festivals, weekends away. A two year hangover. When I was drunk once I accidentally drove a Mini Cooper into the Thames. Well I say the Thames, it was actually the canal down the road. Well I say a Mini Cooper. OK it was a shopping trolley but you know...erm...rock and roll… When I turned eighteen, the world was literally my oyster. First bar I hit up; the Ranch in Australia! The floors haven’t been their original colour in years but who cares. You don’t look at the floor when you’re dancing the night away! I was free and I was never coming back.

MAEVE

And after a while I got a letter from her. She was coming back. If I’m being entirely honest with you, I wish she hadn’t blown it all....but she did. And she’s my girl. So I prepared to welcome her back with open arms and I imagined Fiona felt the same.

FIONA

Nope! Absolutely not. I was not interested in the slightest that "the prodigal daughter" herself was returning. Don’t get me wrong; I was happy that she was coming home to us safely. That aside, I was adamant; there was no way she was getting back into the business. She spent her share; goodbye, I’m out, she’s fired!

DARCY

Yeah so I got fired. From this bar in LA. Like I cared. I had all the money I wanted. Except when I finally checked my balance I erm sort of didn’t. Luck’s like a bloke; it sticks around when the times are good but before you know it, it’s out the door quicker than a weed smoker when the police come knocking. And so I decided to come home. The bubble had burst. Grr I could see Fiona’s stupid face "err I told you this would happen!” I decided I needed a story. "Guys, I’ve spent all this time in Africa, building a village for those more unfortunate than me but now the moneys run out, Lenny Henry isn’t prepared to help, and so I’m back...." I practiced it constantly on the way home. When I got off the plane, I saw her and I was ready. "Mum! Listen...."

MAEVE

And I stopped her right there. "You do not have to say anything Darcy. I just love that you’re home" And I did. I didn’t care what she had been doing. All that mattered was that my two girls were home. I decided I would throw a party. Nothing massive, just close friends and family. Something to welcome Darcy back with. I was aware that Fiona would be annoyed so I got a beautiful piece of veal for the party, Fiona’s favourite. I knew she’d be ok with everything.

FIONA

I was not ok with everything. Not in the slightest. So not only does she creep back into our lives with some crap story about being in Africa, but mum throws her a party?! To top it all off, Mum’s cooking this lovely piece of veal, my favourite may I add, for her darling Darcy. Talk about kicking a girl when she’s down! Darcy doesn’t appreciate the hard work that goes into these things.

DARCY

I appreciated the effort but I wasn’t in a partying mood. I did a lot of that when I was away. A little too much. Nope, all I wanted to do was keep my head down, find a job and build a life. I didn’t even like the veal!

MAEVE

Darcy loved the veal! Fiona wasn’t happy with the whole thing so she skipped the party. Why wasn’t she happy to see her sister? Honestly those girls! How can I be expected to keep those bloody builders in line if I can’t control my own family?!

FIONA

And so I told Darcy that I was happy she was back but she was not by any means to think she was getting a part of the company. She traded her share for shots and cocktails and now it’s gone, she’s out. I didn’t go to that sham of the party; I had work to do. Some of us had to keep those bloody builders in line!

DARCY

I didn’t care about those bloody builders! I just wanted a job in a McDonalds or something. I saw Fiona and after she finished her ’territorial, I’ve wee’d on this tree and it’s now mine speech’ I told her how I felt. "It wasn’t my fault that you wasted your life Fiona. You’re jealous that I’ve lived. Truly lived. And frankly that’s pathetic!" That didn’t go down too well. Why can’t we all just be honest with each other?!

Maeve pushes her chair back, and steps back. The girls do the same and stand next to her, facing each other.

MAEVE

So you two

FIONA

Mum wait I need to

DARCY

No let me

MAEVE

You don’t even

FIONA

I do and no.

DARCY

No what?

FIONA

No, I don’t forgive you

DARCY

Do you think I ca…

FIONA

No and neither do I. Jesus!

Fiona walks off the stage

DARCY

Mum, I was going to

MAEVE

I know

DARCY

But I don’t know why I

MAEVE

Because she’s your sister

DARCY

No she’s not

Darcy walks off the stage

MAEVE

Oh...those bloody girls....Cows! Both of them...my cows...

Maeve sits back at the table and puts her head in her arms. The lights fade out.

THE END

Live, alive, G Live

This page said "draft" on my blog list thingy (technical term, not mine) so I guess I had opened a new page and didn't write anything.

So, in the interests of not wasting electronic paper (I don't know how that works either) here is my script that I presented for the G Live read-through recently. An amazing night, lots of talented writers presented their work, and it all went down really well with the audience.

I'm really proud of this piece. I think it's the first thing i've written with clearly defined characters and I feel like i've learnt an important lesson - write clear characters and your story will fly. Enjoy!

The curtains open and we see a desk with an AIRPORT GUARD behind it. A sign above his head reads "Check-In Desk". A queue of people are slowly being processed and once they have, they walk off stage. LUCY bounces up to the back of the queue, followed moments later by ALAN who stands behind her. She bobs up and down before turning to face Alan, who is clutching his chest.

LUCY

Oh dear are you ok?

Alan ignores her. He takes a deep breath and then stands more comfortably. Lucy continues to bob up and down.

LUCY

So I’m waiting for my boyfriend to come back. He's just nipped to the loo. His name's Charlie and he's gorgeous!

Alan ignores her

LUCY

My name's Lucy, what's yours?

Alan continues to ignore her

LUCY

Yeah Charlie’s great though. We're going to Marbella. Well you know that because so are you! Ha! It's our first holiday together! Can you believe it? I wanted to...

ALAN

It's ALAN and no, i'm sorry but i'm really not interested. I just want to stand here quietly if that's ok.

LUCY

Sure no problem. Sorry!

Lucy turns to face the front again. She tries to contain it but she's clearly excited. Suddenly she faces Alan again.

LUCY

You see, we never really had the money before now. Charlie always says I'm a silly billy but I was only sixteen and I thought charity shops paid people to work there. Trouble is, it only took me a couple of hours and I was hooked. Charlie wasn't too pleased but he always says when he saw how happy I was helping other people, he didn't mind. Anyway he was working at the...

ALAN

I'm sorry but how old are you?

LUCY

I’ll be twenty five in two days’ time. Charlie says we're going to find a nice restaurant and...

ALAN

Twenty five and you talk like you're a small child? Honesty listen to yourself

LUCY

I've never really thought about it like that before. Charlie says...

ALAN

"Charlie says...Charlie says" Where is your beloved Charlie ay? I think your Charlie’s left you my dear.

LUCY

Why? Do you think he's ok? Oh god I hope anything hasn't happened to him on the way to the bathroom. When I first met him, he had hit his head. Well I say he hit his head, technically 'someone' hit his head.

ALAN

Why don't you go and see where he is, if you're so worried and leave me alone

LUCY

You see, Daniel Higgins took my pencil case and made me cry. It was a Hello Kitty one.

ALAN

Hello Kitty? Again how old are you?

LUCY

Twenty five in two days time. No, see I was only twelve and Daniel Higgins took it. I cried all the way home and then just after Newsround finished, there was this knock at the door...

ALAN

Brilliant, honesty i'd just like to stand here...

LUCY

And it was Charlie. He had seen me cry and then he went and stood up to this Daniel Higgins. Trouble is, Charlie isn't the biggest guy. Never has been and Daniel floored him. Thing is...

ALAN

Honesty I...

LUCY

Thing is, Charlie didn't give up fighting. Daniel eventually gave it to him out of pity. And when he turned up at my door I...

ALAN

Annoyed him so much that he was forced to date you?

LUCY

No silly. No when he turned up at my door I made him a cup of tea. Best cup of tea he ever had he said. And hobnobs!

ALAN

Lucky boy

LUCY

And we haven't really been apart since. Well I went to uni and he went to a different one but every weekend I saw him and now here we are. First holiday!

ALAN

Do you make a habit of pestering strangers?

LUCY

Sometimes. So who are you here with?

ALAN

No-one. Is that ok?

LUCY

I don't know really. Do you think it's ok?

ALAN

What do you care what I think?

LUCY

I think you're interesting. I feel like I know you

ALAN

I don't think so.

LUCY

Yeah no I definitely know you. Did you ever teach at Oak Hill?

ALAN

Nope

LUCY

Hmmmm….

Lucy turns to face the front and Alan resumes standing there, moping. Suddenly Lucy spins around

LUCY

I KNOW!  You were at the same hospital as me weren't you

ALAN

Was I?

LUCY

Yep I saw you. Hanging about outside my room. Not in a weird way. Well I don't think so. Anyway that day was amazing. Not only did I find out that err well whatever it was I had, had gone into remission, but my dad bought us lunch and we played crazy golf by the beach. Dad so cheated on the Big Windmill and I...

ALAN

You were at St Andrews?

LUCY

Was I?! Only for like the whole of last year. Yeah basically test and test and test and test and test and...

ALAN

Test?

LUCY

Yes! And then they did stuff and it backed off. Typical. As Dad said, nothing can stand up to any Wilson woman that stands their ground!

ALAN

Wonderful...

LUCY

So where's your wife?

ALAN

She died.

LUCY

Oh i'm sorry.

ALAN

Why? You didn't run her down

LUCY

No but it's what people say isn't it. That's what people said to me when I got ill. "I'm sorry". Weird isn't it. How did you meet?

ALAN

We were at the same bus stop and when it started raining she shared her umbrella with me. Her name was Lucy.

LUCY

Like me?! No way! Aww. She sounds like me. I like helping other people. Makes you feel good doesn’t it. Do you have any children?

ALAN

One. A boy. Well man now. Is that alright?!

LUCY

What's his name?

ALAN

Mark. Why?

LUCY

Just making conversation. You know, to pass the time.

AIRPORT GUARD

NEXT!

The queue moves forward and the two people get processed. Lucy and Alan are next

LUCY

Oh I hope Charlie is ok. Honestly that boy would lose his head if it wasn't screwed on. Which is weird because i've never seen any screws on anyone but yet everyone always says that and...

ALAN

Thank god, nearly there

LUCY

So where's Mark then?

ALAN

If I answer will you leave me alone?!

LUCY

Hmmm. Maybe.

ALAN

I don't talk to him.

LUCY

Really? Then how do you tell him his dinner's ready?

ALAN

He doesn't live with me

LUCY

Oh dear. Why's that then?

ALAN

Is it any of your business?

LUCY

Did he keep annoying you?

ALAN

You could say that. If you want to know, he nearly bankrupt me

LUCY

Oh dear.......can't have done it that badly, you're off to Marbella!

ALAN

No but nearly. Him and that stupid garage of his. You watch one episode of Dragons Den and you think you can run your own company?! But that’s ok as long as daddy dearest is there to pick up the bill

LUCY

What do you do?

ALAN

I'm a mechanic.

LUCY

Oh. So he just wanted to be like his dad then?

ALAN

If he had wanted to be like his dad, he would have been more sensible with his money. Saved it for a rainy day.

LUCY

Maybe he just wanted to make you proud?

ALAN

Sorry what is this to do with you anyway?

LUCY

Nothing but Charlie's taking his time. This one time when we went to see Mrs Doubtfire he went to get popcorn. Honestly I swear half the film was over before he returned. Turns out they had run out of popcorn and because he knew how much I like popcorn when we go to the cinema, he had walked to the local Sainsbury’s. Thing is, it was about two miles away. Ha!

ALAN

It sounds like he really loved you

LUCY

He still does. Tells me every day. Ha!

ALAN

Ok. Enough's enough now. Thank you, lovely to meet you 

LUCY

I love airports you know. There's so much love here. People arriving and friends welcoming them. Girlfriends saying goodbye and boyfriends saying hello.

ALAN

And who cares? Honestly how much of that matters in the end? Ay?

LUCY

What do you mean?

ALAN

Who cares about love? People live and more importantly, here's the kicker, people die! All the love in the world doesn't matter when you live your whole life waiting for it to get better, waiting for a bit of extra cash or a bigger house or a better job and then you die and no-one cares

LUCY

I think people would care if I died...

ALAN

Oh….that explains everything. You don't get it do you?

LUCY

Get what?

ALAN

You are dead. You died. This is it.

LUCY

Ay?! No it's not. We're off to Marbella.

ALAN

I can assure you we're not. And I know because the last thing I saw was the doctor. I can still feel that pain in my heart. Oh god, nothing like it. And then black. And then….here.

LUCY

But Charlie has just nipped to the toilet. He'll be back...

Lucy has stopped bouncing.

LUCY

Oh god I remember now. I saw you, you were being taken to the operating room. And then Charlie nipped to the toilet and I closed my eyes for a minute and then...

ALAN

Yep. Marbella

Lucy stands there, quiet and calm for the first time. Slowly she turns to Alan.

LUCY

Well hey-ho, I had a good run. Let's see what's...

AIRPORT GUARD

NEXT!

Two people walk off stage and Lucy and Alan walk up to the desk

LUCY

So what's this all about then?

ALAN

You know. This is the gate to up there. The last stop

LUCY

Huh?

ALAN

The lords’ kingdom.

Lucy laughs heartily. Alan looks angry.

AIRPORT GUARD

Right a few questions then. Do you have your passport?

ALAN

Yep

LUCY

Nope! Ha!

AIRPORT GUARD

Okay thank you. Right and can you just confirm you haven't got any diseases or illness?

ALAN

Nope.

LUCY

Only disco fever but apparently that's incurable.

AIRPORT GUARD

Right ok. And have you lived a life completely without sin?

ALAN

Always

LUCY

Without sin? Fraid not. This one time, I spent all night drinking Apple Sours and I had to take a wee behind HMV. Charlie was not happy.

AIRPORT GUARD

Okay if you could both just proceed through here please

LUCY

No i'm going to stay here I think

ALAN

What? Why would you do that? This is eternal life. It's what everyone wants?!

LUCY

Alan, really! Ask yourself this. If I don't believe in heaven, and I honestly don't, how come I’m here?

ALAN

I don't know...I just presumed....

LUCY

Maybe it's not leading you to heaven Alan

ALAN

But it must be. My whole life I’ve believed I’d get eternity! What else is worth living for?!

LUCY

Alan. Let it go. You lived, you loved. You shared an umbrella with a beautiful woman and your son made you proud. You had Lucy. I had Charlie. But Alan, it's over...

ALAN

How can you be so dismissive? Look at you, you’re just a child

LUCY

Twenty five in two days’ time. Well not anymore I guess ha! Permanently twenty four. Joan Collins would kill for that.

ALAN

Don’t you want to go back and see that Charlie again?

LUCY

Alan. Some people can live twenty five years and experience far more in their life than others who are around for seventy years. I spent every moment knowing this would happen one day and I lived the hell out of what I got. I got to meet the love of my life and I made every day with Charlie count. Do you honestly think I’m not ready now it’s over?

ALAN

I....I’m..............I'm scared

LUCY

It's ok Alan. It's ok. Come on.

Alan looks scared. Lucy takes his hand and rubs it. Alan looks at the gate and back to Lucy. Slowly he walks through the gate and off stage. Lucy watches him go before returning to the back of the queue. A disgruntled looking old lady walks behind her. Lucy spins around

LUCY

My name's Lucy, what's yours?

The old lady ignores her. Lucy looks at her, knowingly, and smiles.

LUCY

So I’m waiting for my boyfriend to come back. He's just nipped to the loo. His name's Charlie and he's gorgeous!

THE END