Hello again y'all,
Look at this - two blog updates in two days. I'd feel proud of myself if blogging wasn't the writing equivalent of eating a Big Mac - quick, easy but the minute you've finished it, a slow wave of regret and ketchup gently washes over you.
Five minutes until wave (that makes me sound like a bloke in Brighton, with nothing else to do but watch the sea)
So the piece below is the sassy little number that I used for the last live read-through. I'd like to pretend that it has themes of redemption and soul searching but it doesn't. Its four blokes who try to rob jewellery store. But get stopped by OAPs.
Four minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke in football ground, with nothing else to do but watch the crowd)
The piece came about while I was waiting for my laptop to load up. I was preparing to write a much darker piece but happened to watch Fight back Britain while my laptop was making that weird wheezing noise.
Three minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke studying earthquakes, with nothing else to do but watch a seismograph.....?)
On Fight back Britain (surely the BBC's most antagonistic programme title?)there was a story about a group of criminals who tried to break into a jewellers, only to get taken down by an elderly lady and her shopping bags. Search YouTube for the clip. It's hilarious and easily accessible. Which is why I haven't put the link here.
Two minutes till wave (that makes me sound like a...erm....scientist...with nothing else to do but watch erm...gamma??!)
The same gang then tried another jewellers, a week later. And they were stopped again. But an elderly man. Which made me think. Were they the unluckiest gang ever or the stupidest?
One minute till wave (that makes me sound like a bloke writing a blog about waves, with nothing else to say about them)
And that's that really. Regret and remorse. Did the gang experience these? I know I might. Or will I? Who knows. I'm off for a Big Mac...
Have a Go
By
Amardeep Singh Sandhu
Don Daniels – Angry
Roger Davidson - Dry
Pete Phillips - Shy
Harry Michaels - Stupid
SCENE 1
DON, ROGER, PETE and HARRY rush into the room, wearing motorcycle helmets. They furiously rip them off
DON
Roger, did I literally just see you swing a sledgehammer at an eighty year old woman?!
ROGER
She started it! Tell him Pete
PETE
Erm...I...erm didn’t see anything Don
HARRY
I thought it went quite well, personally
DON
Sorry Harry, which part went well exactly? The meticulous planning that took three weeks? The bit where we almost broke through the jewellery shop window? Or was it, the fact that four blokes with fat-off sledgehammers got intimated by Molly bloody Sugden and got away with ABSOLUTELY BLOODY NOTHING?!
HARRY
Erm yeah no not the Molly Slocombe bit.
ROGER
Molly Sugden
HARRY
That’s what I said. Molly Slocombe.
ROGER
No, you nonce! Molly Sugden was the actress. Mrs Slocombe was the character she played. Always talked about her pussy.
HARRY
Ha! Pussy is a rude word…
ROGER
The pussy was actually her cat. Hilarious. She’s dead now mind.
HARRY
That was quick. We only saw her twenty minutes ago. Her poor pussy.
PETE
I erm don’t think Don meant...
DON
CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT PUSSIES PLEASE?!
HARRY
Sorry Don
PETE
Yeah sorry Don
ROGER
I was still right. Molly SUGDEN
DON
I don’t care if we were attacked by Pat BLOODY Butcher! We should have come away from that place with bags of cash and all we got was...
He snatches the bag from Pete
DON
Peppa Pig cufflinks?! Oh that’s just wonderful! All thanks to some old dear swinging her Sainsbury’s bags at us.
ROGER
I think they were from Lidl’s actually
DON
Roger, you’re my best mate but I will end you, I swear
HARRY
So that woman’s name was Pat Butcher? I think I know where she lives. We need to get to Albert Square!
DON
RIGHT! I’m going home. It’s Christmas bloody day. Suzanne’s going to give me an earful for being out and leaving her with the kids and what do I have to show for it? Some ridiculous cufflinks, Mr Clever, Mr Quiet and Thicky McThickson!
HARRY
Aww I’ve never been called clever before.
DON
SORT. IT. OUT. It’s Boxing Day tomorrow. We’ll do the Ernest Jones next to KFC.
ROGER
I think it’s a Chicken Cottage actually
DON
WHATEVER! Providing no old timers are out, we should be ok. MAN THE HELL UP YOU THREE!
Don storms out.
ROGER
He’s right you know. I think it is a KFC
HARRY
I thought it went well. I love Peppa Pig.
PETE
Tomorrow will be better
SCENE 2
Roger and Pete rush into the room, wearing motorcycle helmets. They furiously rip them off. Harry runs into the room but isn’t wearing a helmet.
PETE
Yesterday went much better
ROGER
Oh god, oh god, oh god...
HARRY
I thought it went quite well actually.
ROGER
ARE YOU JOKING ME?!
HARRY
Well we made it back...
ROGER
Brilliant and at what point did you think it was a good idea to swing your sledgehammer at that old man?!
HARRY
He was trying to grab my bag...
PETE
He was erm trying to grab his bag...
ROGER
Shut it Shy-man Cowell! No one asked you. All I know was that me and Don were almost in the shop when I turned around. I saw Harry swinging at that old bloke like he was a piñata and he was dodging Harry, like he was a drunk at a party!
HARRY
I do like a drink at parties...
ROGER
What happened to Don?
PETE
Erm so that fella then grabbed erm Harrys helmet...
Harry sniggers
ROGER
DO NOT LAUGH. Go on ’Silent Witness’
PETE
So Don then grabs the old guy and Harry’s helmet came off. That’s when you started shouting at them both. When we heard the sirens, we all jumped on the bike but when I looked round Don was on the pavement being straddled by the old guy
Harry sniggers
ROGER
DO NOT LAUGH! And did he see your face Harry?
HARRY
Nah, he was eighty odd. Blind as a bat. Or Stevie Wonder because bats aren’t technically blind, they use this like radar vision and....
ROGER
He better not have seen you! Right screw Don. Take a couple of days. On New Year’s Day, we’re going for the big one
HARRY
Fort Knox?
ROGER
F Hinds. On the high street. Come on. I want to be home for Wallace and Gromit.
They start packing things away
PETE
You know, that old guy reminded me of that teacher, Mr Smith.
ROGER
He looked nothing like Mr Smith. Trust me, I never forget a face.
SCENE 3
Pete and Harry mooch into the room
PETE
Who’d have thought it ay? Mr Smith. Lucky he didn’t recognise you.
HARRY
Poor Roger though. I reckon Mr Smith must have recognised his voice.
PETE
Well, tough teats. Serves him right.
HARRY
You’ve grown a pair over Christmas mate
PETE
Not really. I just don’t have those two keeping me down anymore.
HARRY
Yeah...
PETE
I reckon they might catch up with us soon. The police I mean.
HARRY
On borrowed time mate. I can’t believe we lost Don and Roger
PETE
They’re not dead Harry
HARRY
They might as well be. Did you see that look Don’s wife gave me down the pub yesterday? It was subtle but I know what it meant
PETE
Tipping a pint over your head and screaming in your face was pretty subtle. For her anyway.
HARRY
Yeah she was screaming a lot wasn’t she?
PETE
Yeah....
They both stand there in contemplation for a moment, smiling.
PETE
So just the two of us then?
HARRY
Yep. Batman and Robin
PETE
I’m not Robin.
HARRY
Neither am I. Ok how about Batman and erm...Bananaman.
PETE
I could be Bananaman.
HARRY
I hate Bananas.
PETE
Its New Year’s Day tomorrow isn’t it. New start
HARRY
Pete, I don’t care what day it is. I’m not going to eat a bloody banana. They taste like....disappointment.
PETE
No I meant a new start. For us maybe.
HARRY
Pete, you’re a great mate but I’m not that way inclined. I know everyone thinks I’m gay because I love Tom Daley but I’m not. I just think he’s a brilliant swimmer.
PETE
I. MEANT. FROM THIS. How about we just...erm....don’t rob somewhere? Clean slate? Quit while we’re ahead. The world’s our oyster. We’ve been given a second chance, one more shot at life. Let’s get away, find somewhere new. We’ll do it right this time, a fresh start beginning today!
HARRY
Erm...yeah...sounds good. So what are we going to do now then?
They both stand there, staring at each other
PETE
Fancy doing over F Hinds on the high street?
HARRY
Yeah let’s do it. What’s the worst that could happen?
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