And if my life was a bad television programme, it would probably be series eight of Red Dwarf; full of promise, the occasional spark of genius but ultimately not as funny as everyone thought it would be, mainly because of Kochanski (how was that ever going to work?!) and really bad CGI.
Right, the metaphor may have slipped away from me there. However a man/ legend who has had an immensely interesting life is Mr Allen Stewart Konigsberg (or Heyward Allen, as he called himself later in life. And then Woody).
For the latest writing project, we were tasked with including a real person within one of our scripts, the idea being to try to emulate their particular voice. I chose (partially inspired by a cracking trip to the brilliant Prince Charles Cinema, Leicester Square, to see Annie Hall) to write Woody Allen into one of my scripts and then do as he does, and make the whole thing a little zany, a little postmodern, and hopefully funny.
And then I thought I’d stick myself in it as well. Anyway as always, enjoy!
Heywood Allen’s Voice By Amardeep Singh Sandhu
LAURA LEE – Obnoxious, annoying, self-involved
WOODY ALLEN – Nervous, intimidated, wants to be more confident
AMAR SANDHU – Dry, nonchalant A New York diner.
A New York diner. WOODY and LAURA have just sat down to a cup of coffee together. Laura is jotting things down on pieces of paper throughout their conversation
WOODY
So
you want my...erm...my voice then...
LAURA
Yeah
not literally (snort)
No I need to get a sense of how you sound, the Woody Allen everyone
knows and...well SOME people...love. (snort)
I prefer your earlier stuff really.
WOODY
And
is is for the...erm...biopic
LAURA
Yep
for the biopic. ’Woody. The Movie’. Or maybe ’Allen. The
Movie’. Or....wait a minute....YES I’VE GOT IT!
Her
hands spell out imaginary words only she sees.
LAURA
How
about ’Woody Allen. The Movie’? Catchy huh. Honestly I surprise
myself sometimes.
WOODY
Well...you
know...I I I I’ve never done anything like this before. I
don’t...you know...errr know what it is you want from me exactly
LAURA
So
yeah I need to well LISTEN to you. Could you tell me a story from
your past? How about when you were ridiculously shy and couldn’t
get onto stage so they...
She
bursts out laughing
LAURA
Ha
ha ha yeah they had to literally shove you on stage. Tell me that
one.
WOODY
Erm
well...yeah...I was shy. Well I still am but I was and now I am
so...yeah...erm…
Laura
freezes and Woody turns to face the audience
WOODY
Why
do the girls always think I’m shy? Woody Allen; shy and paranoid.
Well I I I I’ll tell you what. I’m not and I’m not
paranoid....I think. Oh god do I come across as paranoid? Stop
looking at me like that... I blame my mudda really. Never gave me the
encouragement I needed. Shame, I did have a thing for this chick but
she’s too...well erm....annoying
Laura
unfreezes and Woody continues
WOODY
And
they were all looking at me and I I I froze and didn’t what to do.
Before I knew it...
LAURA
Yeah
I get it, they shoved you on stage. Brilliant! So
I
noticed you say ’AWL’ instead of ’all’
WOODY
Errr
do I?
LAURA
Yeah...AAAWL.
AAAWL. Like owl but with an aww
WOODY
I’m
not entirely sure I’m comfortable with this conversation...
LAURA
Nah
its fine! So tell me about your mother...
WOODY
Well
my mudda used to say...
LAURA
That’s
it! Mudda. Not mother. Mudda. You say mudda. I’ll write that down.
Mud. Da. Brilliant! Ok ok so I’m getting ahead of myself here, I
blame the lemonade (snort)
ha ha ha but thinking of who we could get to play you...
WOODY
Play
me?
LAURA
Yeah
yeah. We need someone shy, someone a bit nerdy and really awkward.
That’s sort of the Woody Allen everyone expects isn’t it. I’m
thinking...Colin Firth! He was really good in...
Laura
freezes. Woody turns again to the audience.
WOODY
WH-at?!
Colin Firth? The English fella who played that king. Rrrreally? I
know he’s good with a stutter but I I I I don’t really stutter
when I talk. I also didn’t realise I came across as awkward. I
thought I was.....charming. I’m seen as an auteur, a genius amongst
his peers aren’t I? N n n not....awkward! Oh geez, I’m...I’m
burning up in here, I just need to erm...
He
faces Laura as he takes a sip of water. She
unfreezes.
LAURA
And
did you see him in Pride and Prejudice? The things I would let that
man do to me and....
WOODY
Nope
can’t go back to this either...
Laura
freezes again and Woody turns to the
audience
WOODY
Do
you know who I blame for all this? My nervousness, the way I come
across? The big guy. The man upstairs. My creator. Hold on, I got an
idea.
Laura
continues to freeze. Woody walks off stage
and
when he comes back on, he’s pulling Amar onto
the
stage.
WOODY
I
blame you. Ok you’re not my actual creator. Obviously my actual
creator is god, if you’re inclined to think that way. In fact it’s
actually a very popular belief that the world was created in in in
six days and...
AMAR
Be
less awkward Woody
WOODY
Yeah...I’m
I’m sorry. I just get so nervous around an audience and wait! Stop
telling me what to do! You created me. Well this version of me anyway
AMAR
Thank
you very much
WOODY
No,
not ’thank you very much’. You’ve created a parody
of
me. You don’t know what I’m like in real life!
AMAR
Shy,
nervous and awkward?
WOODY
Yes...no!
No I’m not. I’m erm....surprisingly...erm...
AMAR
Confident?
WOODY
Stop
putting words into my mouth! I’m surprisingly...well yes confident
AMAR
Putting
words into your mouth is sort of my job
WOODY
Well
you don’t know me or my voice. What is this based on may I ask?
Public perception of me? Like that can be trusted...
AMAR
Erm
two feature length documentaries, various interviews on YouTube and
several of your films actually
WOODY
Ok
so...yeah ok then so you’ve done your research and erm....yeah ok
AMAR
Thing
is Wood...can I call you Wood?
WOODY
I’d
prefer Woody. Or Allen. No Woody, I prefer Woody.
AMAR
See
Wood, I think I get your voice. Better than this "chick"
anyway
He
points to Laura. She’s still frozen.
AMAR
But
that’s only because I get you Woody. I’m like you. I can be shy
and nervous and sarcastic and you what?
WOODY
You
blame your mudda for everything too?
AMAR
No
Wood I don’t. Lovely woman if you ask me. No see I can change my
voice, how I am, anytime I want. Difference is, i’m happy with the
way the world sees me.
WOODY
Huh...yeah
no I’m not like, sorry.
AMAR
Well....it
sucks to be you with your millions of dollars and countless houses
and critical acclaim and erm...yeah I’m going to stop now
WOODY
You
know what?! I am happy being me! Screw how people see me. I know my
own voice and it’s not just "awl" and
"mudda"
Laura
unfreezes
LAURA
It’s
not?! Well why the hell have I just wasted two hours then producing
all this work?!! HONESTLY!
Laura
throws her papers in the air and storms off
stage
WOODY
Laura!
I’m sorry! I can be less...confident and more awkward if you need
me to be. Even now I’m worried that me shouting after you will draw
unnecessary attention to me and…oh!
AMAR
Oh
Woody! Man up! Honestly, haven’t you learned anything from the last
five minutes?!
Amar
storms off stage. Woody faces the audience
WOODY
You
know what? You know what?! My one regret in life is…is…is that I
am not someone else!
Woody
buries his head in his hands at the table and
the
lights fade down.
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